CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
You Might Also Like
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
asked my bf how work was today
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
who wants to go expliring
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
I’ve had worse
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*