CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
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If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
medusa but her hair is an anaconda