CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
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Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Straight people are cancelled
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you