CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
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oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
honestly, i need both:
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
spicy snake
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha