CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
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wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
🙂🐾
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space