CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
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Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you