Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
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YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
new career option?
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia