Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
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I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*