CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
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Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
I
T
H
I
N
KW
ES
H
O
U
L
DR
U
I
NP
E
O
P
L
E
ST
I
M
E
L
I
N
EB
YT
W
E
E
T
I
N
GL
I
K
ET
H
I
SA
L
LD
A
Y
.
.
.
.
.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.