men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
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If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
three things we don’t talk about
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds