Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
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My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
😲 WTF? 😆
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Tier 3 meme