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Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Sending in my taxes
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria