CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
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*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
*seductively corrects your posture*
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.