The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
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everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.