My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
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Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Not messing around
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.