My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
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My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Just me and my debit card against the world
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.