[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
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[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
My life coach traded me.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”