“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
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[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?