Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
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how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Buying a well is money well spent.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
had to make it
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
asking santa clause for nudes
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”