-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
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Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
#Caturday
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge