Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
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Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?