Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
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horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?