me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
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I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.