WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
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*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.