DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
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If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment