dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
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Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Just me and my debit card against the world
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you