Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
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Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand