Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
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My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Passed by a old school Math example today.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted