you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
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HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.