CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
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Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.