My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
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There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?