DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
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Them: You should try keto
Me:
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Said the murderer.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Yup!
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?