dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
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If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Life is a suicide mission.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Any refunds available?…
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.