“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
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Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
I’m Sold!
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
The cashier just checked me out.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY