“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
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Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Holy crap this is wonderful
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*