I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
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*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Jesus Christ lmao
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid