DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
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[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Put a ring on it
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby