DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
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I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.