what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
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Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Great acting.. 😂
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”