“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
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You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid