“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
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3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
new wife guy just dropped
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?