Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
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Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Woke up against my better judgment again
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.