Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
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I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.