“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
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Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.