Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
You Might Also Like
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see