Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
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I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.