Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
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Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.