Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
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Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
😍😂🥰😂😍
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.