@CauseWereDads: "Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!"nMe: Ok, just like we practiced. I'll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
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@mckaycoppins: My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn't get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy. On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went "boating."
@MarfSalvador: paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa] me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
@AndyAsAdjective: BOSS: I need to see you in my office ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
@notacroc: Date: wanna get out of here? Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don't know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti