DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
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You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
no!! no!!!!!!
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”